Work In Progress
(Each link (tool, support, person) supports the the next, together creating a strength greater then its sum of parts)
On October 24 2021, I found out that my brother and only sibling had taken his own life. Shock, trauma and bewilderment, struck like a tsunami within my reality. Soon came many cycles which would compound my own vulnerability and ability to cope. Regret blame, forgiveness and anger coincided with replaying memories of my brother which were overshadowed with the now disastrous finality of my brothers last moments. The could have’s, the should have’s, the if only’s interlaced with extreme Shock/Anxiety/PTSD/ Bereavement-Depression, themes common with suicide loss.
(Trapped within the relentless thoughts, feeling and emotions of suicide loss, suicide goes against every survival instinct of self preservation)I was isolated within my own canyon of despair, other traumas and pains long laid to rest awoke as they were interwoven with the life I had shared with my brother, who’s story was written into mine, being the older brother since I took my first breath and he, his last. It awoke another suicide which is irremovable from my identity and story, one which had long been laid to rest. When I was 9 my brother 12 our father had also taken his life. It was also intertwined with painful memories of our mother’s suffering, who was first diagnosed with M.S after a seizure coming home from my first day of preschool and become bedridden soon after and died when I was almost 13 my brother had just turned 16, along with other childhood trauma. Amongst my processing I also discovered that a good friend also died by suicide.There were other significant life stresses in my life at this point also, my ability to cope was severely stretched to say the least. Weaving with natural fibres became a major tool for me to hold on whilst I cycled through the endless cycles of suicide bereavement, which by itself significantly increases the statistical risk of myself dying by suicide.
(Sitting within my woven net/hut/structure, looking through the materialization of many hours of processing suicide loss. The large re-lapping repetitive and interconnected circular weave was all I could kinetically and reflectively create in the initial period of my loss. It allowed me to ‘hold on’ whilst I attempted to process the incomprehensible, slowly a strength emerged as each moment spent processing was reflected as a link supporting the next, creating a strength greater then the sum of its individual parts. ) Initially weaving was purely something I did whilst my mind was overcome with the intensity of the thoughts, feelings and relentless incomprehensible cycles of loosing my brother by suicide. It was a way in which I could somewhat anchor myself whilst the overwhelming intensity would calm, rather then reach for alcohol or other destructive methods and suppress the feelings and thoughts that have to come to the surface to be processed. It allowed me to sit with the memories of my brother a little longer before I was overran, allowing me to explore some painful dissociative periods of my life from our traumatic childhood now in a new light, rather then run from them which would only but turn toxic in my mind and body.As time went by, the entire process and what I was weaving began to take on deep symbology. As I explored this loss it was like the depths of this experience which existed beyond my ability to describe in words, those visceral feelings was being reflected by what I was weaving allowing at times abstract words to metaphorically decipher the weave. From processing the fibres to manipulating them into formas my mind and heart held on in extreme psych-ache.
Kinetically the different shape and style of weave is reflective of different intensity of emotion and thought, different levels of comprehension and acceptance and processing the trauma of suicide loss and the mental health challenges that come with it.I use a lot of circular weave in my processing, reflective of the horrible and relentless cycles of being bereaved by suicide, kinetically repeating and weaving the circular motion upon itself as I went over the same thought/feelings again and again helps to eventually calm the thought-even if but for a moment- even if it is to return again and again.When a crises arises which overwhelms our coping mechanisms we need to utilize all available tools to help strengthen our resilience. I hope that by sharing my art/weaving/way of processing that it may inspire others to explore new tools that they may be able to obtain and use or old tools that can be sharpened, to help there own processing to improve there resilience. I hope that it may be able to encapsulate for others a symbolic metaphor which may illuminate some light on feelings or thoughts that may be hidden in there darkness or ability to describe, in the process dissipating the intensity of overwhelming isolation and psych-ache.There is a growing body of evidence and research that proves the effectiveness of artistic and creative expression and exploration in minimizing alleviating the intensity of grief, anxiety, P.T.S.D depression and the mechanisms involved as to how-For me weaving along with other creative activities including experimental sound exploration has been crucial in my resilience and processing of such a profound loss. THE HAND– The creation of The Hand has been a closely confronting piece for me. Hands are involved in most cases of suicide in one form or another, this was the case for my father and brother.
The hand is the size of a child’s hand reflective of the Adverse Childhood Experiences and ACE test which my brother and I both score very high. Unfortunately I only discovered this test after my brothers suicide, and the statistic that this high score we had put us in a far, far greater risk of dying by suicide.The hand symbolize the need to put your hands out for help. To reach for hope. Also the need to offer our hands out for support for those we care about. It allows me to grasp the pain, thought visceral feelings and emotions of suicide loss. It symbolizes the answers which can not be grasped with suicide loss. Through my weaving processing the hand helps me to articulate what thoughts I can not with my mind.
THE MASK-We all wear and sit behind masks at times.
Sometimes the mask plays an important protective role, an armoring against invasive forces. But sometimes we can get lost within the mask if we hide behind it for too long or in a unhealthy way. There thoughts and intensity of feelings can compress and carbonate, fermenting our pain and psych-ache bounding ourselves in isolation and starving honesty and words from the reaching the surface.There is times to sit behind the mask, and times to remove the mask. My brother hid well behind his mask, his suicide was totally non expected for me. I look at photos of him now and can see clearly beyond his mask (which is common with suicide bereavement), a insight that only hindsight offers us the luxury of perception.
THE CHRYSALIS OF GRIEF– Emerging from the unfortunate reinventing of self after profound loss.
(I would not have been able to have created the intricate circles used in the form of the cocoon closer to the epicenter of my loss. As time and processing passed it allowed a more detailed ‘sitting with’ refined or specific nuances, thoughts and feelings of suicide loss and memories of life with my brother and its interconnection with the loss of our father and mother childhood trauma and my own journey with mental resilience.)
The fairy of hope has no face for I can not perceive the face of truth she knows.She represents emerging from the Chrysalis of grief, a period of protection, and growth from the intense reflection of loss and grief. She has allowed a process of integration of loss. She has let go of the old self which no longer can exist after her loss, but she allows herself a transformation, a reinventing of self that only can exist only because of such profound loss and the potential of regrowth that comes from it.She has no face for I can not perceive the face of truth she knows.She dives deep into the salt tears the emotional waters of sadness, retrieving the memories of joy from being sodden in the depths of the emotional body of water, she then allows heart and spirit to take flight into the endless skies of hope and potential, taking us to the lands of transformation in this moment we may not see.She belongs to the other realms from where we exist on land and earth, in this land of the living, of burden, of loss and pain.May I allow her to symbolically glimpse what I can not see, help lift my heads above the waters of sadness and take flight into a new landscape of possibilities.The cocoon is made from many fine coiled circles, symbolic of intricate thoughts, and memories, bound to each other in a cocoon of protection which allows the growth from chrysalis of grief to be reborn with life again. The loss and grief will never be absent, but it allows life to grow and change within it, (indeed reluctantly) because of it.
Creativity in building mental resilience.There is so much research into creativity and Grief/Depression/Anxiety/PTSD etc.I consider it to be one of my major tools which steered me away from completing suicide myself through many years I suffered with suicidal ideation, processing Grief/PTSD and Depression.There seems to be a major embracing starting to happen in these non- talking forms of therapy for our mental fitness and resilience.There are so many scientific papers and organizations embracing this at the moment,The below excerpts are from the following link from headspace.https://www.headspace.com/articles/grief-creativity-togetherPerhaps the first thing to keep in mind is that everyone has the capacity to be creative. “Some of us just express it more robustly,” Carson says, noting that there are two types of creativity: innovative creativity and expressive creativity. Carson adds that what she calls “innovative creativity” is best suited to problem-solving, while “expressive creativity” can use negative energy and channel it into creative work as a means to assist with loss or trauma. Clinical psychologist Henry Seiden, Ph.D., echoes Carson in his assessment: “Creativity is the essential response to grief.”If you’re not a trained musician, she suggests the bongos, noting that drumming is a powerful mood regulator. Painters—amateur or otherwise—need only a blank canvas and paints, and those who write can choose poetry, a journal entry, or a short story. Pick an activity, and aim to stick with it for three or four consecutive days for 20 minutes per day, Carson says. “Research shows that the mere expression of emotion in artistic form when you are hurting is beneficial,” she says.Acknowledgment to First nation People and weaving.I pay my respects and acknowledge the traditional weavers men and women of the over 250 nations in Australia (and also around the world) and there connections to plants they used/use. Though I have not been taught by any first nation people how to weave with native fibres in this method, it is a plant which has and is used, and knowing this led me to explore my own creation and connection with it.Sitting in nature with the plants revealed this way of working with it to me. As far as I am aware I have not seen the main repetitive interlocking circular technique I use, however with so many unique first nation cultures in this county I would not be surprised if it were, though it may be a slow ineffective time wise way to create such structure in the way in which I create it.I in no way mean to misappropriate any traditional technique, it has just been my way to sit with my pain and help process with the greatest healer nature. I share this weaving and story in hope that my weaving and way to process this traumatic experience may inspire and help others to find a tool like this that may help them ‘hold on survive and eventually thrive”.
For further help and resources please click on the following links.https://standbysupport.com.au/ Who has postvention support, including Peer workers with a lived experience of Suicide loss, I myself was greatly supported by StandBy there is immense therapeutic value of being able to explore this unique complex grief with somebody who “Gets it”. Stand By also do group support following suicides for schools and workplaces.https://forum.allianceofhope.org/forums/-/list World wide forum for people experiencing the complex issues around being bereaved by suicide loss. https://rosesintheocean.com.au/ Australia’s national Lived Experience of suicide organization. Roses in the ocean exists to save lives and reduce emotional distress and pain. Roses in the Ocean also run workshops to help people with Lived Experience of suicide to utilize there story in the suicide prevention and postvention space.https://bvspan.org.au/Bega Valley SPAN is a health promotion charity with strong professional links. It comprises volunteers from a variety of setting including mental health services, educators, emergency services, business, as well as community members with lived experience.https://manup.org.au/ Man Up is a 3 x 1 hr documentary series and campaign funded by Movember about masculinity and men’s mental health. https://www.beyondblue.org.au/ 24/7 support for Anxiety,Depression and suicide prevention. Forums on various mental health challenges where you can connect with others dealing with similar situations.https://www.lifeline.org.au/ Help line for suicidal and mental health/ crises support.https://www.coroners.nsw.gov.au/coroners-court/help-and-support/coping-with-suicide.html Useful information and services available following a death by suicide.